mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
