I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
This house was built for laser tag.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
