Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
