Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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