We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
