from now on my penis is your penis
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
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