I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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