hell yes lets make some ravioli
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
