I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
