just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
