She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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