she was so not down for the gang bang
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Randomize
