I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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