I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
