Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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