Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
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