i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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