You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
