i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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