I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
