ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
