Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
