I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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