Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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