i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
