got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
