im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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