there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
