he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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