Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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