every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
tequila makes me forget i have legs
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize