I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize