Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
