peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
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