I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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