Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
