Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
