Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
