Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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