I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
