There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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