she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
These tits shall not be calmed
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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