Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize