Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Randomize
