my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
