I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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