The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
