I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
