You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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