I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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