Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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