Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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