Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
