I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
