Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
