He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
