Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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